a note from the messy middle

Change can be messy and unruly. You take two steps forward and somersault three steps back, like speaking a foreign language when all you want to do is blurt out the truth in your native tongue.
And right now, this is a note from the messy middle.

We'll make it through—we always do. And later, looking back, this won't shake our world the way it does now. I am learning daily that I need to let the people I love make their own choices in life, even if those choices make messes. The fruit of my own choice, the choice to let go, is not always contentment, but, by God, there is always gratitude. Gratitude that, in the end, it's really not up to me at all.

The older I have gotten, the more demanding, difficult, impactful decisions I have had to make, and what I've realized is that, along with the mess, all that is good and joyful could not have been a product of nonchalance or acquiescence. If we did not care so deeply, and carve out this life, in this house, in this town, then maybe we could have cruised through this season a little more freely, almost carefree. Disconnected from the threads with which we are now so tightly knotted. The choices we made and the burden's we have chosen to carry have not limited but expanded those joys.

Even here, in the messy middle, knowing that we are not supposed to have all of this under control brings us such deep peace. The peace is just this: that when you have faith in the knowledge that there is one far greater than you, who know the plans he has for you, well, not much else can compete. Not even the mess that invades even your innermost circles. Because, above all things, thank God, we are not alone.

Not even in this.


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