Jab, jab, kick.
twenty-seven days (or more)
When autumn (finally) arrives, I will let out a fierce sigh of relief.
Though, of course, I will be sad too.
Once fall is here, it means that I have completely missed summer.
In Uganda, they have a saying—a response to just about anything:
There is no what to do.
I’ve spent the summer hot and pregnant, a little bit sick, always curled up close to the AC unit in our living room. Don’t think me a bad mother (a bad woman?), but this is my truth: I am so excited to meet my daughter, but I have hated being pregnant—every week, day, and month of it.
This morning, with three-and-a-half weeks ‘til my due date, the unbearable heat of this particular summer lifted (if only for a moment), and I stepped outside into the cool, sweet damp of a crisp morning in late August.
I felt like an entirely different person. Renewed. Hopeful.
Abandoning my daily perch by the AC unit (finally), I drove to the café, first thing, before the cool evaporated in the clear heat of bright sunshine.
Eight months ago, I could not handle the smells of that kitchen. Remember when you made me hate the smell of bacon and eggs? I silently say to the tiny girl in my belly. I talk to her often these days, though rarely out loud.
She and I sit at a corner table. I sip at a warm mug of jasmine tea and open a book. Content.
I am reading a collection of short stories by Amy Hempel. I heard her give a reading my first evening at Bennington, and her narrative voice blew me away. Now I am reading her entire collection, four small volumes bound into one. I rest the paperback spine on my thirty-six week bump and remove the tea leaves from my mug, settling the tea bag on a saucer.
The book rises and falls as baby wiggles and turns, tapping at the weight resting on her space.
Jab, jab, kick.
Jab, jab, kick.
Three-and-a-half more weeks (though maybe six if she is late).
Twenty-seven days (or more).
Who knows? There is no what to do.
I wonder if I will miss feeling her move inside me. Miss knowing to expect swift kicks every time I drink a glass of ice water or eat a bowl of watermelon.
I pat my growing bump, relishing the cool of the early morning, the social clatter in the café’s kitchen, the taste of jasmine in my mouth.
Come as soon as you like, baby girl, I think. Come soon.
"Most areas in the world may be placed in latitude and longitude, described chemically in their earth, sky and water, rooted and fuzzed over with identified flora and peopled with known fauna and there's an end to it. Then there are others where fable, myth, preconception, love, longing or prejudice step in and so distort a cool, clear appraisal that a kind of high-coloured magical confusion takes hold."
-John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley
The truth is, I am just popping over here to announce that I have begun an MFA program, and, as exciting as that is, life is now filled with books to be read and manuscript pages to be written, even more so than it was before. So I am breaking this bit of blogging silence to say Hello! and, alas, expect even more silences in the coming months. Then again, who knows. Perhaps blogging will once again become the break from academics that I need. Until then, sweet, sweet summer wishes your way. xo
on heartbeats + happy news
"I heard the heartbeat today and it sounded like someone hammering beside the sea."
At first glance, this might not seem like much, just a jar of rhubarb preserves.
Stewed fruit and sugar, laced with an East African vanilla bean and double-strength bergamot tea. One pound of rhubarb made only a single pint. And, over the course of the last day and a half, I've eaten multiple english muffins and several pieces of toast simply as a means of eating more jam, so it doesn't look like the pint will last long.
For those of you who might not follow along on Instagram, you may not have heard the happy news that we are anticipating a tiny addition come September. Somehow, by grace, there are now three heartbeats between the two of us.
So thats all to say, we are celebrating around here. Mostly, in excitement over this tiny new person, but also because this jam is the first thing I have cooked at home since the last days of January. It has been a rocky nearly-five months, filled with intense sickness and trips to the ER. But we seem to have moved out of the darkness that is hyperemesis, and I finally feel like myself again.
Despite my own physical struggles, the baby is happy and growing. Last week, at our twenty-week scan, we heart her heartbeat and learned that she's a healthy baby girl. In a way, I wish that we were the kind of people who could wait a full nine months to know the gender of our child, but I am too much of a planner. And after four months that legitimately felt like four years, we were eager jump back into full-blown excitement.
So, in honor of this little girl, I made pink jam, and we bought pink flowers for the windowbox out back. After our scan, we drove to the cafe where I used to work and scribbled notes and baby names in a tiny moleskin notebook while eating muffins and sipping large cups of tea. Things are just going to get brighter and brighter from here on out. xo
If you're feeling the need for something sweet and pink in your life, this is the recipe I used for the rhubarb jam (though, I halved this recipe and omitted the pectin altogether).
Recipe adapted from Food In Jars
· 10 cups of chopped rhubarb (approximately 2 1/2 pounds of stalks)
· 5 cups sugar
· 1 cup brewed Earl Grey tea
· 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped
· 1 lemon, juiced (I substituted grapefruit juice, since that's all I had on hand).
· pinch of salt
· 1 packet liquid pectin
1. Sterilize your jars in a large pot of boiling water. If you're making refrigerator jam (it will keep nicely unprocessed in the fridge for 2-3 months), skip this step.
2. In a 5-quart, non-reactive pot, bring the rhubarb, sugar and tea to a boil.
3. Add the vanilla bean, lemon and salt to the pot and let it bubble gently for about ten minutes (on my stove, this means I set it to medium-high).
4. After ten minutes have elapsed, add the pectin, stir to combine and let cook for a few more minutes.
5. At this point, dip a spoon in the jam and see how it coats the back of the spoon. If you get a nice, even sheet, the jam is done. You can also taste at this point, to see if you like the balance of flavors. Add a little more lemon juice if you feel it needs additional brightening.
6. Pour into hot jars, wide mouth and rings to remove any spillage and apply lids/rings.
7. Process in a hot water bath for ten minutes.
8. Remove from water and let cool.
rocky mountain view
"In the months that followed, the world and nature and weather did what they did regardless of human suffering or bewilderment or grief. There was day and night and day and night and the light fell away earlier and the frost came and then an early blizzard blew in and the cattle in the pastures turned their rumps against the wind and snow."
-David Bergen (Leaving Tomorrow)
An unexpected phone call urged us to fly to Colorado over the weekend, suddenly and without much of a plan. By the time we arrived, his grandfather was no longer critical, and the visit became a much happier one than we'd expected. In between hospital visits, we took a drive to Rocky Mountain National Park and snapped snow-capped photos with our iPhones (bulky cameras not making the frantic packing list as we hurried to catch our flight Saturday night). The wind was fierce up in the mountains, though the sun was bright, and we dashed in and out of the rental car, soaking up the expansive view, before hurriedly returning to the warmth inside.